" It was a classic affirmation of everything right and true and decent in the national character. It was a gross physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country, but only for those with true grit. And we were chock full of that."
Age 42, Male
Stone Mason
Scituate, MA
Joined on 1/26/09
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TheThing
That's pretty good. Just proof-read it, and add some punctuation and fix your grammar.
Also, you flying through the air was a little....bland. Try and spice it up with a little more description. And don't say that your spine was shattered; talk about a terrible pain in your back, and a loss of feeling in your legs.
And to go along with the above comment, you seem to go at one speed throughout the story; try slowing down some parts, like flying through the air and the fact you broke your spine. Talk more about the white orb coming out of your mouth. Pace the story better.
Oh, and have the meatloaf say that last line over King.
themanthelegend
Hey thanks for the constructive critisism brother. I actually wrote this years ago, and when I typed it up I thought I had brought it up to my current standards. Now that I re-read it I couldn't agree with you more, I really did rush this one. Kind of a scattershot. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.